How can I be of your assistance?
the day I started over
the day I took a few shots, downed a couple beers,
and ended my one month sobriety.
So it’s been 7 days,
and I’m more confident than ever, once again.
Don’t get me wrong,
I’m still fighting constant urges
every second, still fighting my inner demons,
but recovery is possible.
I fucked up a week ago but I’m starting over
this time it’s not forced
this time more aware of my motives
this time more support, solely from myself
And tonight I almost fucked it up.
Fighting with my mom took a bigger tole on me than I realized
when I realized there was gin in my bag, and I wanted to drink it
wanted to open that wrongly marked water bottle and watch the contents disappear
wanted that warm feeling in my stomach,
that blurred vision,
the happy feeling I was so used to months ago.
But I don’t need it.
The battles I was fighting, when I depended on booze the most, are over
and I’m not coping with substances again
I’m determined to prove that I can overcome this disease
and I’m not starting over again.
This goes along with my previous post about interpersonal effectiveness myths. If you’re ever doubting yourself about asking for help or making a request, remind yourself of the following:
- It is OK to want or need something from someone else.
- I have a choice to ask someone for what I need.
- I can stand it if I don’t get what I want or need.
- The fact that someone says no to my request doesn’t mean I shouled not have asked in the first place.
- If I didn’t get my objectives, that doesn’t mean I didn’t go about it in a skillful way.
- Standing up for myself over “small” things can be just as important as “big” things are to others.
- I can insist on my rights and still be a good person.
- I sometimes have a right to assert myself ever though I may inconvenience others.
- The fact that other people might not be assertive doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be.
- I can understand and validate another person, and still ask for what I want.
- There is no law that says other people’s opinions are more valid than mine.
- I may want to please people I care about, but I don’t have to oplease them all the time.
- Giving, giving, giving is not the be-all of life. I am an important person is this world, too.
- If I refuse to do a favor for people, that doesn’t mean I don’t like them. They will probably understand that, too.
- I am under no obligation to say yes to people simpley because they ask for a favor of me.
- The fact that I say no to someone does not make me a selfish person.
- If I say no to people and they get angry, that does not mean that I should have said yes.
- I can still feel good about myself, even though someone else is annoyed with me.
Lately, life had taken a turn. I have regained hope and faith but the shit still flows from a once sturdy dam. Yet I’ve stayed afloat and dry from the flood. For I have a friend in this ocean of hell. A north star to guide my way. She’d always been by my side but only recently did our bond resolidify. I guess I never knew that hope came in the form of a teenage girl. I never understood that maybe faith runs on coffee. I didn’t know it would hide a white-powdered nose. I didn’t know either that I’d been looking in the wrong places. Optimism doesn’t come from positive events. You earn joy through expecting it. I believe in the empty coffee cups, empty pills and shining star of a friend. They pile under my boat and hold it steady. It’s because I believe that they will not fail me. I will stay afloat.
I told Teagan she owed me a poem, and this is what she gave me. This is so beautiful and I love her so much.